a conversation with porter

porter: you know what would be super fun???

me: what's that porter?

porter: if you just put me in the closet in the basement, closed the door and went upstairs and took a nap.

me: that would be really weird, and i think child abuse. why would you want me to do that?

porter: we can call it porter time and don't worry no one would need to know, especially mom. this could be our little secret.

me: i don't know about this. (placing baby in closet)

porter: well i do. now remember to leave me in here for at least the next three hours and what ever you do, don't open the door. do you remember the scene in poltergeist at the end, after the clown, the mom runs into the children's room and they are being sucked into that vortex that looks exactly like a woman's vagina?

me: i do

porter: so do i and i've never seen the movie. get it now?

me: thanks porter, good looking out and i owe you one. (closing door and going upstairs to take nap)

-Ghost Raper-

We find our intrepid warrior outside of a nondescript apartment building.

Narrator: We're here in West Hollywood to investigate several strange occurrences that have happened here at the residence of Jimmy Dean and his roommate Bob Evans (names have been changed to protect identities) and try to ascertain if these events, as the two roommates suspect, are paranormal activity. I've brought with me my cameraman George-lucas to record any visual spectral phenomenon as well as any auditory evidence that may or may not occur, as well as the events that transpire as a result. I'll have to spend one night at this haunted house in an attempt to capture the appiration on film and then try to cornhole the poltergeist. Let's go!

19-apr-2010

Brian Schultz is still in if you are.

19-apr-2010

Brian Schultz wants to know: What's in your backpack?

19-apr-2010

Brian Schultz is a small vibrating egg.

06 feb 2010

-The Misanthropes- a short story

You know, at some point you take a step back and take a look at your life and your friends and think, is this the best I can do? I mean these people are assholes. -Mister Sprinkles

The reviews of 2009 are in...

I was spellbound from the first to the thirty-first. Wait, did I say spellbound? I meant hell bound.

-WTF-AM 2012 Nome, AK

It was like being mind fisted by the awesome monster!

-The Poughkeepsie Tribute

Can't wait for the sequel!

- The Helsinki Accord