it will be two year in two days for when i left for australia. what a strange little trip it's been. from here to there, back and forth and back again. i wanted to be alone tonight. to tear, i guess, to tear my flesh off in huge ragged chunks until i looked like how i feel inside. this is my life. i chose this. the person i am now is going to hate myself in what??? six months... six years. a glutton for punishment. relationships are ridiculous things but we need the eggs... it's not the end of the world what ever it is.
24 april 2005
kevin: you know what this party needs???
colin: no, what?
kevin: more dudes!!!!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
17 noVember 05
ooh prague, it's a beautiful city. hot wine on cold nights. goulash, kafka and wursts with mustard and chunks of rye bread. i have the whole room to myself at the beta hostel and it's lovely and you can smoke in the room and take hot private showers. i know it can't last. i wandered around the city venturing further and further out getting more and more turned around... but that's okay because i don't really have anywhere to be. i'm not lonely, only alone... and it's suiting because it's self induced. if it ain't baroque don't fix it. praha is divided into four bits: old town, new town, lesser town and some other part that involves a castle. the last two are across the river vltava. i know this because i have the map in front of me and also because i got drunk and took the 1,000 czech crown tour "prague at night". i have two more cities to go and truthfully now... i just want to come home. i walked up the hill and saw the prague eiffel tower and the castle. in london i managed to stay lost for about five hours and saw buckingham palace. the tower of london is actually a bunch of towers and whole place is very flat and low to the ground. mendy and dave have just been amazing to me. fish and chips; curries and pubs and walks up and down the thames with coffee breaks. they've made a home for themselves about ten minutes from victoria station and mendy's making plans with her friends james and jenny for her hen party. i'm staying in vysehrad next to the metro that runs inside the expressway. vysehard castle was built in the 10th century and was the king's home and the center of the kingdom until 1140, blah, blah, blah...
if you hit the river then you know that you've gone too far west with powder gate and all the windy narrow streets at odd angles and large flat paving stones which are a god send because you can hear a car coming from a mile away. the tires bouncing in between the cracks of the stones in the distinct flip, flip, flip sound letting you know a vehicle is coming down the crazy blind alley that you're walking down and you better start heading towards the sidewalk and safety. here it's the little things: the way everyone sets your change down on the counter and yes, get ready for it... it is the royale with cheese.
if you hit the river then you know that you've gone too far west with powder gate and all the windy narrow streets at odd angles and large flat paving stones which are a god send because you can hear a car coming from a mile away. the tires bouncing in between the cracks of the stones in the distinct flip, flip, flip sound letting you know a vehicle is coming down the crazy blind alley that you're walking down and you better start heading towards the sidewalk and safety. here it's the little things: the way everyone sets your change down on the counter and yes, get ready for it... it is the royale with cheese.
12 apRil 07
no, no, no... listen
moving in with liz at the end of the month. first we get the khakis then we get the girls. making or trying to make, red beans and rice while listening to to tupelo honey. how perfect is this moment??? hot wine on cold nights. eating a brawt at the fucking game, (jesus christ... did i even know this girl?) australia, alaska, rowanda (sp)??? i suppose it's the people you love and not not the other way around.
moving in with liz at the end of the month. first we get the khakis then we get the girls. making or trying to make, red beans and rice while listening to to tupelo honey. how perfect is this moment??? hot wine on cold nights. eating a brawt at the fucking game, (jesus christ... did i even know this girl?) australia, alaska, rowanda (sp)??? i suppose it's the people you love and not not the other way around.
da bear- part (2) two of the seven eleven
bear sat lazily on the roof of some nondescript boarded up building smoking and drinking from a dented can of warm beer... waving his hand in sluggish circles.
bear: all of this is temporary- god, you, me and ice cream. it's not a lot, but it's our lot in life.
upcheck sat indian style his arms folded tightly across his chest.
upcheck: you know this isn't over, you may think this is done but...
bear flopped over on his side and pulling his legs up to his chest and folding his arms over his scabbed knees... whispered to himself "is this my mind? is this my mind? is this my mind?"
upcheck sat quietly and stared off into space before speaking again.
upcheck: this is not over, this thing we created has become more... and not even death can stop it now. not his, not mine, not even yours. they will defeat us all... i don't even know what that means anymore.
upcheck stood up and dusted off the back side of his pants. "they attacked michigan last night, he managed to get away. i don't know what would have happened to him... meditate on that."
narrator: and with that upcheck turned to leave, exit stage left.
narrator: the game was fought at night under the cover of darkness and in good faith, until the time...
upcheck ducked into an alley glancing over his shoulder occasionally, he made his way across the wet cobblestone making his way home, it was after dark.
the three samurai lay in wait, in the shadows of a quiet gangway.
the fight was brief and a violent mess. it was only ended by the sound of approaching sirens, several minutes later, as one of the assassins threw elbow after elbow into the base of his skull in an attempt to separate the brain from the spinal column.
narrator: from many, one
bear: all of this is temporary- god, you, me and ice cream. it's not a lot, but it's our lot in life.
upcheck sat indian style his arms folded tightly across his chest.
upcheck: you know this isn't over, you may think this is done but...
bear flopped over on his side and pulling his legs up to his chest and folding his arms over his scabbed knees... whispered to himself "is this my mind? is this my mind? is this my mind?"
upcheck sat quietly and stared off into space before speaking again.
upcheck: this is not over, this thing we created has become more... and not even death can stop it now. not his, not mine, not even yours. they will defeat us all... i don't even know what that means anymore.
upcheck stood up and dusted off the back side of his pants. "they attacked michigan last night, he managed to get away. i don't know what would have happened to him... meditate on that."
narrator: and with that upcheck turned to leave, exit stage left.
narrator: the game was fought at night under the cover of darkness and in good faith, until the time...
upcheck ducked into an alley glancing over his shoulder occasionally, he made his way across the wet cobblestone making his way home, it was after dark.
the three samurai lay in wait, in the shadows of a quiet gangway.
the fight was brief and a violent mess. it was only ended by the sound of approaching sirens, several minutes later, as one of the assassins threw elbow after elbow into the base of his skull in an attempt to separate the brain from the spinal column.
narrator: from many, one
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
paht seven
celery- ce'st la vie
slew- shit my man, i think you stabbed me...
upcheck and the two men poured out of the bar and into the street legs and arms flailing everywhere. celery sat there silently the hood on her faded green jacket pulled down over her eyes sucking on a wet cigarette with the filter torn off.
-celery was downtown, for whatever reason, and people watching... everyone was a walking obituary to her back then. your life summed up in a three sentence blurb. son of so and so... father to him and her like that's all you managed to do in your time here on earth, procreate. and a man with a seeing eye dog, a blind man, was coming up to the intersection, and this dog with his sad eyes slumped over in this crazy harness takes this man through the crosswalk against the red light and the bright orange hand. this fucking dog doesn't miss a beat. he's ready. given up on life. defeated. everyone on the street is standing there stunned. to say anything would invite panic and ultimately death... and the whole time cars are barely missing the man and his sad- eyed yellow dog. they both died... not then, but later... cancer, but many years later and apart.
the three men on the corner struggle in the rain oblivious to the world around them.
upcheck screams- go ahead... blacken my soul out with violence and loss.
the third man fishes in his pants pocket for something: a knife with a black pearl handle.
slew seeing all of this sprints across the street at full speed as the third man wrestles his knife open with a free hand.
me: have you even read my blog???
mendy: i read the first one or two. it didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, soooo...
me: you haven't even looked at it, have you?
mendy: it's not even about you, really...
(thank you mendy, for everything, even if you'll never read it. my thanks... not the blog)
slew trips, tripped... three's company style, and falls on the knife with the black pearl handle, the grace of god, and the calloused hand that held the thing...
celery limps over to the crime scene with the yellow tape only to be taken down after it is all over. upcheck stands by himself on the corner, his pock marked face twisted into a frown.
"i've seen all of this in my dreams"
"i know, i think we all did..."
"this is the end of the beginning..."
"or the other way around"
slew- shit my man, i think you stabbed me...
upcheck and the two men poured out of the bar and into the street legs and arms flailing everywhere. celery sat there silently the hood on her faded green jacket pulled down over her eyes sucking on a wet cigarette with the filter torn off.
-celery was downtown, for whatever reason, and people watching... everyone was a walking obituary to her back then. your life summed up in a three sentence blurb. son of so and so... father to him and her like that's all you managed to do in your time here on earth, procreate. and a man with a seeing eye dog, a blind man, was coming up to the intersection, and this dog with his sad eyes slumped over in this crazy harness takes this man through the crosswalk against the red light and the bright orange hand. this fucking dog doesn't miss a beat. he's ready. given up on life. defeated. everyone on the street is standing there stunned. to say anything would invite panic and ultimately death... and the whole time cars are barely missing the man and his sad- eyed yellow dog. they both died... not then, but later... cancer, but many years later and apart.
the three men on the corner struggle in the rain oblivious to the world around them.
upcheck screams- go ahead... blacken my soul out with violence and loss.
the third man fishes in his pants pocket for something: a knife with a black pearl handle.
slew seeing all of this sprints across the street at full speed as the third man wrestles his knife open with a free hand.
me: have you even read my blog???
mendy: i read the first one or two. it didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, soooo...
me: you haven't even looked at it, have you?
mendy: it's not even about you, really...
(thank you mendy, for everything, even if you'll never read it. my thanks... not the blog)
slew trips, tripped... three's company style, and falls on the knife with the black pearl handle, the grace of god, and the calloused hand that held the thing...
celery limps over to the crime scene with the yellow tape only to be taken down after it is all over. upcheck stands by himself on the corner, his pock marked face twisted into a frown.
"i've seen all of this in my dreams"
"i know, i think we all did..."
"this is the end of the beginning..."
"or the other way around"
Saturday, May 5, 2007
the magnificient seven samurai
from many, one...
michigan was running, running running.
a small lactic knife slid underneath his ribs.
the fear of god.
narrator: seven young men went out that night and six returned... so it goes.
michigan jumped a low chain link fence, monkey vaulting, into the adjacent backyard and doubled back.
narrator: seven young men went out and six returned: three samurai and three ronin... the seventh died.
michigan wheeled around and threw a wild side kick into the chest of his once friend.
narrator: the game was created- from many, one- the battles were fought after midnight. midnight was when the monsters came out. alliances were formed and broken... to the victor the spoils, and all would be forgiven in the end... until the night six returned.
the two shadows were on top of michigan raining blows on his back and shoulders as he wrung himself free of his black hoody. this fight is over.
narrator: the competition, the game, became a sick and twisted thing after that night.
three ronin against three samurai... and this is where this story ends its beginning.
michigan scrambled and managed to strike the one young man between the legs with a closed hand and fled down the alley southbound with tears in his eyes.
michigan was running, running running.
a small lactic knife slid underneath his ribs.
the fear of god.
narrator: seven young men went out that night and six returned... so it goes.
michigan jumped a low chain link fence, monkey vaulting, into the adjacent backyard and doubled back.
narrator: seven young men went out and six returned: three samurai and three ronin... the seventh died.
michigan wheeled around and threw a wild side kick into the chest of his once friend.
narrator: the game was created- from many, one- the battles were fought after midnight. midnight was when the monsters came out. alliances were formed and broken... to the victor the spoils, and all would be forgiven in the end... until the night six returned.
the two shadows were on top of michigan raining blows on his back and shoulders as he wrung himself free of his black hoody. this fight is over.
narrator: the competition, the game, became a sick and twisted thing after that night.
three ronin against three samurai... and this is where this story ends its beginning.
michigan scrambled and managed to strike the one young man between the legs with a closed hand and fled down the alley southbound with tears in his eyes.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
sloths...sloths!!! aka paid a dog to burn down a hospital
if you're going to sit there and insult me at least make it accurate. upcheck sobbed into an empty smudged glass. the truth hurts sooooo much more.
the beginning of the end or the other way around.
celery tugged at the frayed end of her pale green jacket. it was raining... again.
his name was death and hell followed with him.
upcheck raised a chipped glass "to sex with exe's"
bob/ slew waited silently for the accident he was only able to prevent.
"to new beginnings or the same old shit."
"i'll fold you like a lawn chair, my man... beat you like a drum, smoke you like a cheap cigar."
celery hobbled over, she had twisted her ankle after successfully falling several times that night.
sophisticated ruin.
the lights changed from green to yellow to red... again that night.
"what are you going to do??? are you going to hit me?"
there was a knife with a pearl handle, a four inch blade and the grace of god..
bob- 15 aPril 2007
celery gave all her friends cancer in her mind...
her mother would marvel at their complete recovery months later.
next time little suzy so and so from the down the street would come over to play...
leukemia, lymphoma, lou gehrigh's disease... a lot of diseases that start with the letter "l"
celery was prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. a life lived with the added poignancy and interest that always involves a near death experience (with help from a thin, pale, eleven year old girl)... a small miracle existing purely in her mother's mind.
the beginning of the end or the other way around.
celery tugged at the frayed end of her pale green jacket. it was raining... again.
his name was death and hell followed with him.
upcheck raised a chipped glass "to sex with exe's"
bob/ slew waited silently for the accident he was only able to prevent.
"to new beginnings or the same old shit."
"i'll fold you like a lawn chair, my man... beat you like a drum, smoke you like a cheap cigar."
celery hobbled over, she had twisted her ankle after successfully falling several times that night.
sophisticated ruin.
the lights changed from green to yellow to red... again that night.
"what are you going to do??? are you going to hit me?"
there was a knife with a pearl handle, a four inch blade and the grace of god..
bob- 15 aPril 2007
celery gave all her friends cancer in her mind...
her mother would marvel at their complete recovery months later.
next time little suzy so and so from the down the street would come over to play...
leukemia, lymphoma, lou gehrigh's disease... a lot of diseases that start with the letter "l"
celery was prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. a life lived with the added poignancy and interest that always involves a near death experience (with help from a thin, pale, eleven year old girl)... a small miracle existing purely in her mother's mind.
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