Old grocery lists that Liz wrote that I found in the junk drawer

Bread
Blackberry jelly
Creamer
Total Raisin Bran
Milk
Bananas, butter
Grapes
Skinny Cow Ice Cream Sandwiches
tilapia
50/50 mix salad
cherry tomatoes
cucumber
laundry detergent
Windex
tomato- regular

(Second list, from different date)

-Creamer
-Wheat bread
-Almonds
-dried cranberries
-4 Dannon light yogurts
-2 Italian Wedding Soups
"Campbell's Select Harvest"
-package of chicken (2)
-celery
-scallions
-gorgonzola cheese (crumbled)

best new made-up rock band names for 08'

google this

madame bovary's ovaries

dorks say what?

oscar wilde things

sugar, water, purple

the krunchettes

A short play

Scene: A small office, two work desks facing each other with Joe and Bill (coworkers) sitting across from each other.

Joe: Yeah, I know right?
Bill: Wait a minute Joe... you're actually telling me that you woke up this morning and found out that while you were asleep you had time travelled, what, three to five seconds into the future. That is so weird.
Joe: I don't know. I don't know. I don't think so. I have no idea how to get back, it's like I'm existing on a whole different plane. It's okay I'll clean it up.
Bill: Do you know what happened? (Bill reaches across the desk grabbing Joe's arm) Were you exposed to any cosmic rays? Did you take any joy rides in a DeLorean? Do you know how to get back??? (Bill throws his arms in the air in exasperation knocking over Joe's coffee mug of pens and pencils.)
Bill: I'm sorry about the mess Joe but, this is so weird.
Joe: What!?!? (Joe jumps up from his desk) What are you going to do with that hook??? No, you bastard!
Bill: What is it Joe? What do you see in the immediate future?
(Enter blood thirty pirate with hook for a hand, the pirate walks up directly behind Bill and raises the hook slowly above his head).
Joe: Fuck you, you blood thirsty pirate. I'll get you, Bill!!!!!!!! (Joe shakes his clenched hands in the air).
Bill: What? Joe, what is it??? What do you see? (pause)
(Pirate sinks hook into Bill's back)
Bill: Ackkk
and scene...

I have been reincarnated several times and lived hundreds of lives.

I have been a straightened paper clip in a nondescript executive's office on the eastern seaboard. I was damaged reprehensibly in a quiet fit of anxiety during a conference call with corporate.

I was lichen and I was moss during most of the eighteen hundreds, in a part of the world I know not. I gave myself the name Dr. Tristan McStumbles III and created long, confused medical mystery plays in my little mossy brain.

I was once a banana split sundae with extra nuts and whip cream which was a joy I had never known and now seldom remember.

Terrible begginings from even worse imaginary short stories

"Why, with enough vinegar you could pickle just about anything."

- Grandma Latke's Secret Cellar



"I'm sorry, your son will never be able to blow his nose again... ever."

- COUNTY a memoir by Dr. Tristan McStumbles III



"Sera was beautiful, she smelled like cookies and sunshine, but she was also a troubled young woman. She spelt her name with an -e- (which you already knew) and then there was the herpes."

- Love Blisters

A conversation I've had on the street...

Homeless Guy: Hey man can I borrow a dollar?

Me: Sorry man I don't have one.

Homeless Guy: You're not sorry.

Me: No, you're right. Why don't you go fuck yourself instead.

A conversation I've had at work...

Random guy on the street: Fuck you.

Me: What's that sweet roll? I can't hear you.

RGOTS: I said, fuck you motherfucker.

Me: Why don't you come over here and say that to my face sweet roll.

RGOTS: You ain't going to do shit. I'd fuck you up.

Me: Yeah right, I bet if I was a plate of waffles you'd be all over me, now go back inside and eat something you fat fuck.